We've all heard about 1,000 times (or more) that "communication is key". I don't think too many of us would disagree with that claim, but I would dare guess that we probably all struggle with communication breakdowns within our marriages. So let's take a quick look at communication and see if there's any real help for these recurring situations of ours.
First, let me give you a heads-up on the two components of communication we'll be focusing on:
(1) the tongue--our PRIMARY, but certainly not our ONLY, instrument of communication
(2) our emotions--the unseen forces which often influence our tongues and our ability to communicate well (on both the sending and receiving ends)
With that in mind, look at James 3:1-12. What does it tell us about the tongue?
Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check.
When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.
All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.
With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.
What do we learn about the tongue from this passage?
Though a small part of our body, it steers our course. My tongue is a world of evil, corrupting all of me. It is a fire set on fire by hell. It is an untameable, restless evil, full of deadly poison. I use my tongue to praise God and to curse men...but it's not possible for my tongue to be BOTH wonderful and evil....
Think about a time when you've been hurt by someone else's words.
(This isn't for the sake of stirring up problems or for prolonging grudges. The purpose is to understand the devastating power we hold in our tongues.)
Proverbs 18:21
The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.
Yikes.
Matthew 12:33-37
"Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for a tree is recognized by its fruit. You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him. But I tell you that men will have to give acount on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned."
Anyone else shaking in their boots? Or at least feel a little sting of conviction?
Notice that the evil tongue isn't a mere matter of self-control...it's a heart issue. In order to "fix" our tongue issues, we need to deal with it at its source, its root. If there's something wrong with my tongue, there's obviously something wrong with my heart.
James 1:19-21
My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.
Notice not only that we should be SLOW TO SPEAK (not sure if I can ever be accused of that, unfortunately), but also what it says about anger--the emotional component is coming in here a bit. We are to be SLOW TO ANGER. Why? Because our anger doesn't bring about the righteous life that GOD desires. Anger IS a self-control issue. It means overriding our impulsive response when we're irritated, frustrated, annoyed, offended, etc. Remember, though, that this IS indeed possible through the power of the Holy Spirit who is in us if we belong to Christ. "Slow to speak" may be a challenge, but I would argue that "quick to listen" may be at least equally so. Even if I manage I hold my tongue, will my ears be listening? I tend to not want to listen, especially when there's smoke pouring out my ears. But this is what God is calling us to, and this should be the desire of our hearts and the commitment we make daily. And that not only for the sake of our marriages, but primarily for the sake of our relationship with God...bringing about the righteous life which God desires.
How do you usually act when you disagree with your husband?
James 1:26
If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless.
What have you learned about the way YOU communicate?
We have learned that in our tongues we hold the power to build up and the power to destroy. To destroy someone is to break his spirit, to convince him that he's not worth much and that he'll never succeed. Consider the impact your words may be having on your husband.
Proverbs 18:14
A man's spirit sustains him in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?
We MUST learn to control our tongues...
Job 16:5
But my mouth would encourage you; comfort from my lips would bring you relief.
Psalm 34:13-14
Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies. Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.
Proverbs 4:24
Put away perversity from your mouth; keep corrupt talk far from your lips.
Proverbs 11:11
Through the blessing of the upright a city is exalted, but by the mouth of the wicked it is destroyed.
Proverbs 12:18
Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
Proverbs 16:21, 23-24
The wise in heart are called discerning, and pleasant words promote instruction. A wise man's heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction. Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.
(Remember the Prov 31 woman? Faithful instruction was always on her tongue. That's our calling.)
Proverbs 17:9
He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.
(Wow...you mean, like, not get angry and throw it in his face and yell about it and gossip about it and bring it back up in two weeks to fight about it again? Novel concept.)
Proverbs 17:27-28
A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered.
Proverbs 19:11
A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.
Proverbs 21:9
Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.
Remember that we must keep our hearts right with God in order to properly control our tongues.
Here are some guidelines to keep in mind when disagreements with our husbands arise:
Proverbs 13:10
Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.
Looks like humbling oneself is the name of the game...
Proverbs 15:1
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Proverbs 15:4
The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.
Proverbs 15:28
The heart of the righteous weighs its aswers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil.
There's that whole "slow to speak" idea again.
Proverbs 15:32
He who ignores discipline despises himself, but whoever heeds correction gains understanding.
Proverbs 18:13
He who answers before listening--that is his folly and his shame.
Proverbs 18:21
The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.
Proverbs 24:29
Do not say, "I'll do to him as he has done to me; I'll pay that man back for what he did."
Proverbs 31: 26
She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
Ephesians 4:26
"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.
Ephesians 4:29-32
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
(So no brawling I guess--bummer.)
Colossians 4:6
Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.
James 1:19-20
My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.
The Bible certainly makes clear God's expectations about our communication. This should be on our hearts and at the forefronts of our minds as we communicate with our husbands this week (and every week hereafter).
Because I've studied communication a fair amount (and experienced communication breakdown on a number of levels in my own marriage), I'm feeling the need to ramble on a bit about some of the very practical aspects of communication that often go awry.
We're probably all pretty well aware that men and women perceive things differently and interpret things differently and communicate things differently. These are differences, and we must not let pride take root and make us think that OUR WAY is better. They're just DIFFERENCES. That being said, here are some quick tips:
(1) Say it. Don't expect your husband to read your mind or your body language (it only says you're mad--it doesn't say why). Remember that you and he are on the same team and you're best friends (even if you're not feeling that in the moment). Share with him what's on your heart. Calmly. Without sinning.
(2) Be clear and complete. Don't leave anything out and don't expect him to know something you didn't say. None of this "I told you that so you should KNOW this" business. Say what you mean. "I'm feeling kind of ishy," doesn't automatically register with him as "I have cramps and my hormones are completely out of control--would you please take this baby off my hands?"
(3) Check for understanding. Definitely don't do this in a demeaning fashion; we're called to be respectful.
(4) Let him talk. Get his side of it. Give him an opportunity to tell you how he feels about the matter. Show him the same respect and understanding you desired when you told your side of it. Don't "correct" or interrupt; just let him talk.
APPLICATION: The application questions were sprinkled throughout this time.
SHARE: Do you have any helpful communication tips?
REMINDER: I think this is the last week of this sort of study. I was planning to start the book study for next week, but the books aren't here yet. So please post any questions you may have that you want answered. If God strikes me with anything that must be shared, I'll be sure to post. Check back next week, because I think I'll at least post some other links and resources that you might find helpful.
6 comments:
No tips are coming to mind other than this: timing matters. I have struggled for many years with feeling like everything must be dealt with RIGHT NOW, and that just isn't so. It is often a good idea to pray and then wait until a later time to talk about something. Many times the Lord has shown me something insightful in the waiting - and it also gives me a chance to cool down and prepare my heart and attitude so I can be more respectful and a better listener. But as I mentioned last week, this goes against my flesh and natural inclinations, so it's something I have to constantly think about to be successful.
If it's okay, I'd also like to ask a question: What do you all do when he doesn't want to talk about something? Once in awhile I find myself in a situation where I truly believe resolution needs to happen for the best interest of our family, but I'm the only one who has any interest in communicating about it (the issue/offense/difference of opinion) at all. I realize that if there is no respectful way to get the "results" I think our marriage needs, that probably means I need to drop it. But I'm talking about the practical, here. Any tips or ideas to get our husbands to desire to communicate more - about things that matter? (Or am I simply asking for tips in the fine art of manipulation? Yikes.) By the way... by no means do I wish to put my husband down. I think this has more to do with the differences between men and women, and also the differences in how our families of origin handle/d conflict. Any thoughts here would be greatly appreciated!
Well, I probably shouldn't even be trying to answer this...#1 because Matt's pretty willing to talk about stuff (so I'm lacking in experience, and #2 because I'm a manipulator/controller by nature. When it comes to things that I think are "issues" but Matt thinks aren't so much, it's basically boiled down to you love me and it matters to me so it should matter to you (not necessarily as much as it matters to me, but just a little bit). Things that make me crazy that Matt thinks are no big deal he's started to make an effort in just out of love for me. (And I've tried to return the favor in love and respect, also.) I'm not really sure how we reached that point of agreement. I think it was when I reached my breaking point after Mattaya was born. My hormones and emotions were crazy and my husband seemed like a supremely annoying hindrance. (Key word being SEEMED.) I reached a breaking point (which means I actually CRIED--super rare for me) and told him that I knew a lot of the problem had to do with me, but I really needed HIS help in loving him because I just wasn't doing a good job. I committed to growing in my ability to let some things just go, and he committed to trying to understand that some things were really important to me. Okay--so here's the part that's a little more manipulative. Instead of asking, "Can we talk about this?" you ask, "When can we talk about this?" I'm not convinced this is truly manipulation, because the decision is still his. If it yields no results, I'll usually explain before bed that "I felt really hurt when...". And that usually yields either a "I'm sorry you felt hurt" or a "I'm sorry I did that" and sometimes a "I didn't realize how much that meant to you; I'll try to do better." I can't say I always get what I want, but I do feel I get the closure I need so I can let it go. And I totally agree with you that "in the moment" is almost never a good time to "discuss" anything.
You know, we've probably all posed the questions to our husbands this past week "How can I show you love?" Maybe by some miracle our husbands will do the same one day. And maybe we'll get to answer, "By discussing the things that are important to me even if they aren't things that are important to you." ;) Hey, love always hopes, right?! And I guess love is patient and long-suffering, too. So maybe God will require you to wait for your husband to reach that certain point. Maybe. But I'm sure if you are obedient, you will be blessed. :)
Hey, Maria--did you notice that I had AT LEAST 2 typos in my comment? ;)
Definitely some improvement needed in this home in regards to communication. I must say communication has improved immensely since we've been married. We too had issues on communication, like Melonie stated, in the differences in how our families of origin handled issues. The biggest struggle for me is to come out and say what I want, rather than letting Matthew figure it out on his own. I guess I don't have any suggestions for you Melonie. If I do think of one as I ponder my communication with Matthew I'll post again.
I'm pretty good about communicating what I want...but I'm TERRIBLE about figuring out what I want. I've been terribly crabby this past week--mostly with Matt, of course. Finally, he asked, "Did I make you mad?" And I thought and thought and thought. No, he hadn't. But why was I being so nasty? I still have no idea. Things like that rarely just dawn on me. I usually have to really sit down and think things through and get to the root of my impatience before I can communicate to him what's in my heart. So GOOD FOR YOU if you at least know what you want! And if you know what you want, by all means, TELL HIM! (In a godly way, of course.) ;)
Sounds like this is an area where we all need to grow and an issue over which we should be lifting each other up in prayer.
I think I'm actually going to go back over the LOVE post AND the COMMUNICATION post to see if I can sort out my rottenly impatient attitude. God bless my husband. He's a far better "wife" to me that I am to him!
Oh, yeah--ACCOUNTABILITY TIME! Who followed through with loving her husband? Did you actually accomplish one of the six ways you committed to? I'll admit that it completely slipped my mind until last Thursday. But the white board has officially transformed back to a "love board". I'm doing a tiny bit better with taking time for him at his whim. Next I think I should focus on my tone of voice since that has been the biggest problem this week.... How have you all experienced success in loving your husbands?
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